I drove down to Speer AGAIN, to show the basement unit. It's pretty dumpy; a window is broken and covered up with duct tape, the carpet is pretty worn. It's not THAT bad, and again, Highlands Square is a popular neighborhood. People have looked at it and they are interested, just when I made drastic plots in my mind that I would default on my mortgages and credit cards and move to Mexico or India and home school my children. But I was able to identify those fearful thoughts, and put my Queen of Bohemia into action and not manifest anything so negative. I envisioned with my poppyseed wand that the basement will be rented, I will fix it up over time, because it really is a darn cute property and my "golden nugget," according to one financial adviser. It's just that this basement one is hard to fill and it's summer so there is a lot of competition. I could lower the price, but then all this moving tenants around and fixing up and raising rents on that upper end would be for not! One guy applied, but I can't be desperate because he is pretty sketchy, was reluctant to give me his bank account info, which turns out not to exist. So I think eating a month's rent is cheaper than doing an eviction!
I brought my daughter to Speer and later we had fun exploring the Hispanic area of N. Federal Blvd. Checking out the Botanica Yemaya, which I've driven past a zillion times but never stopped in. We used our Spanish interpreting the soaps, herbs and magical candles used for protection, getting rid of envy, bringing money, even changing bad students into good ones! We checked out all the statues of the saints and various incense. My daughter said it was just like Mexico, and indeed, it's a nice little change. We loaded up on Mexican candy and I bought a Jesus candle and some soap of the saints. The cashier told me, "Buena suerte," as we left, and yes, because of the power of my thoughts I will have good luck. Then we stopped at the Piñateria and bought a little friend who is about to have a birthday a handmade mermaid piñata. Amazing they still do this stuff, and it's not all just imported from China! I wondered how the guy manages his rent. So this time with my daughter is the most important thing, even though the worries about the rental properties and Justin still in contempt of court mess, I keep my mind at peace with the joy of what really matters. My children. Even yesterday, we walked down to the park again. The simplicity that arises in the present moment that fills you up with joy, knowing that this is why we exist. To kick a ball and run, to hear the laughter of your children, and to chase after your dog. I know that when you lose everything you do find your Self. That Radix Ipsius, the root of yourself. You can hear it clearly in the darkest of your hours. You are grounded in this Being that shows itself very clearly and unmistakably. I have found that also I have returned to the Prima Materia. That first ground, before the wounding. I reflect on the absence of Frank and the children's father, that terrible loss. How to get back to that joyous space that we were in before the death, before all the upheaval and terror. When my children were just little itty bitty kids and we had raspberry picnics in our backyard, just eating the raspberries off the canes and threading together pea seed pods to make necklaces and there wasn't a care in the world.
So it's just the three of us again, me and my children. And that's all I need for now. Even though tis' enormously lonely and I have to invite my father over to eat with us once a week or I would go nuts. And I may ask my sister to live with me too just out of sheer necessity because people weren't meant to raise children alone. Only in this odd American isolated world does that happen. And maybe we are all going into the fourth dimension like my father says, and not to worry, and maybe he's not insane because interestingly enough, listening to Fritjof Capra's the Tao of Physics again, he says the same thing!
And even though the landlady wants to raise the rent on where I am now in Boulder, I do not fear. I won't think about moving home to my father's house where it is squalid and unlivable and is the negative thinking of my mother and my childhood. All negative thinking is removed, because that's the Queen. Thoughts of slashing the tires on my former mini van out of anger and vengeance or wishing Justin doom all vanish with the wave of my poppy seed wand. I don't create that hell. because truly hell is in your own experience of life through the lens of a cloudy mind, and you alone create that experience with your emotions, thoughts and focus.
I'd rather be rooted and create from there. I will stay in this lovely house way up near the foothills in Boulder because I know and I believe that everything will work out, despite my heavy load. And there is only one more month of double Saturn. I will survive. And I have been keeping the Boulder house clean and tidy. It's a continual effort. Like a new life. And that is very, very good.
I brought my daughter to Speer and later we had fun exploring the Hispanic area of N. Federal Blvd. Checking out the Botanica Yemaya, which I've driven past a zillion times but never stopped in. We used our Spanish interpreting the soaps, herbs and magical candles used for protection, getting rid of envy, bringing money, even changing bad students into good ones! We checked out all the statues of the saints and various incense. My daughter said it was just like Mexico, and indeed, it's a nice little change. We loaded up on Mexican candy and I bought a Jesus candle and some soap of the saints. The cashier told me, "Buena suerte," as we left, and yes, because of the power of my thoughts I will have good luck. Then we stopped at the Piñateria and bought a little friend who is about to have a birthday a handmade mermaid piñata. Amazing they still do this stuff, and it's not all just imported from China! I wondered how the guy manages his rent. So this time with my daughter is the most important thing, even though the worries about the rental properties and Justin still in contempt of court mess, I keep my mind at peace with the joy of what really matters. My children. Even yesterday, we walked down to the park again. The simplicity that arises in the present moment that fills you up with joy, knowing that this is why we exist. To kick a ball and run, to hear the laughter of your children, and to chase after your dog. I know that when you lose everything you do find your Self. That Radix Ipsius, the root of yourself. You can hear it clearly in the darkest of your hours. You are grounded in this Being that shows itself very clearly and unmistakably. I have found that also I have returned to the Prima Materia. That first ground, before the wounding. I reflect on the absence of Frank and the children's father, that terrible loss. How to get back to that joyous space that we were in before the death, before all the upheaval and terror. When my children were just little itty bitty kids and we had raspberry picnics in our backyard, just eating the raspberries off the canes and threading together pea seed pods to make necklaces and there wasn't a care in the world.
So it's just the three of us again, me and my children. And that's all I need for now. Even though tis' enormously lonely and I have to invite my father over to eat with us once a week or I would go nuts. And I may ask my sister to live with me too just out of sheer necessity because people weren't meant to raise children alone. Only in this odd American isolated world does that happen. And maybe we are all going into the fourth dimension like my father says, and not to worry, and maybe he's not insane because interestingly enough, listening to Fritjof Capra's the Tao of Physics again, he says the same thing!
And even though the landlady wants to raise the rent on where I am now in Boulder, I do not fear. I won't think about moving home to my father's house where it is squalid and unlivable and is the negative thinking of my mother and my childhood. All negative thinking is removed, because that's the Queen. Thoughts of slashing the tires on my former mini van out of anger and vengeance or wishing Justin doom all vanish with the wave of my poppy seed wand. I don't create that hell. because truly hell is in your own experience of life through the lens of a cloudy mind, and you alone create that experience with your emotions, thoughts and focus.
I'd rather be rooted and create from there. I will stay in this lovely house way up near the foothills in Boulder because I know and I believe that everything will work out, despite my heavy load. And there is only one more month of double Saturn. I will survive. And I have been keeping the Boulder house clean and tidy. It's a continual effort. Like a new life. And that is very, very good.
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