A few days ago I was walking with my little dog, Sergeant Pepe. I walk in open space in the lovely foothills here in Boulder, and it’s definitely the closest thing I get to a church. Nature is God revealed in silent poetry of endless life quivering in creation.
However, my mind did get the best of me, endlessly negative about fears of this and that. I can shake myself of it a lot. But other times it’s like a grip of dreaded rot, that clings to my heart and body and mind like a sludge of tar.
On the way back from this beautiful place, Pepe got upset. Sure enough, he warned me of what lay in the path ahead of me. A snake! Huge, fat, coiled up and smack in the middle of the path! I was taken aback and backed up. Was it a rattlesnake? I was not sure. All I knew is that of all the wild creatures who have crossed my paths in life – bears, coyotes, wild turkeys – those little celestial visitors of nature that cause time to pause and celebrate – never had I encountered such a large snake! Of course I have encountered the garden kind and even collected their skin that I found stuck within the tentacles of a French strawberry patch, amazed at the gossamer skin left behind for a new life. But this was different!
I thought, what do I do? Call 911? A snake! Help! Barb wire fence was to one side, the other side of the path was tall grass and I thought, is its companion there too? I was confronted with the fact that I could only do what I could in the moment, and that was to just stand there. I was fiercely present. What was I to do? I breathed, waited and watched. Eventually, it slithered away slowly, and Pepe and I approached and I gathered the courage to watch this mythic creature slowly disappear in the tall grass nonchalant, as if it had no idea it was blocking my path at all. And there it was that this creature of the eternal cycle taught me a powerful lesson. Deal with only what is real and in front of your path! All my fears that can sometimes awaken me early in the morning to vomiting, is just a phantom, unreal, a busy mind that hasn’t been meditating enough! This powerful symbol of the cycles of life, tell me that the river is always flowing, slithering in fact, through life. It is this way and it is that way. It reminds me of the story of the Fabric of Life, Hindu. I will tell that story next for the You Tube. Maya. It can reveal, or it can obscure. The snake revealed something for me. The eternal, and that is where I need to rest and identify, rather than the tremulous mind.
Of course, life keeps finding it necessary to dish out difficulty for me. Lately I had finally let go the last drop of rage I had at my ex, Justin, regarding the lies and mess of the real estate shenanigans he got me into, as well as looting my widow’s fund from my late husband. I finally got over it and saw the part of him that I fell in love with – funny, liberal, artistic, hard working. But there was always some hidden dishonesty about him that betrayed my heart and trust. It was very painful. But I confronted my part – rage, oversensitivity to his children’s problems, RAGE at betrayal. I seem justified! Yet somehow I seem ashamed, but maybe I was just Kali protecting my young. Anyway, we had a nice heart-to-heart last night. It was very sad, and I had been grieving greatly the loss of my marriage and security – to see the house again. This house that I was promised if I put up the funds to finish it. The place where my children rode their bikes to the local school and my daughter trotted a little path each day to play with her best friend next door, Leroy. The two years of living in a half-finished house, nickle and dimeing my assets only to be pressured into selling it to pay off his debts, and which I refused, and finally, having lost all trust in him, divorced.
So this morning I got an urgent message. I must talk to you and come clear on some lies and what’s really happening, he said. He came over to my house and told me that the 31st street house was foreclosed on. The sale happened last Wednesday. I was in shock. Dumbfounded. He cried. I felt sorry for him. I had always urged him to declare bankruptcy rather than use me to pay off his debts, but he refused. Now it is revealed that he could have declared it, got rid of his debt, and kept the house. What loss. What eternal loss. The snake showed us, just like Buddhism’s first tenant, that all is continual sorrowful loss. Later it occurred to me that he was lying. What a coincidence that this came up the very next day. Was it guilt? Or something else that compelled him to confess. Once again I had the wool pulled over my eyes because I was gullible, loving, kind and giving. That once again I had given in to the con man shuffle of my ex husband. This sweet, funny, big nice guy in a bow tie, is also the source of great suffering and pain, betrayal and loss.
I spoke with my lawyer this evening. It’s true, you can’t trust him. I warned the court this spring, the judge EVERYBODY that this was the issue, if we could just talk to the bank itself and know what is going on, because what he says, can't be trusted! you need proof. For months I pleaded. The judge sided with Justin. Gave him another chance. And here we are.
I’m not angry. I actually feel very sad for Justin. He’s a nice guy. Dishonest and undependable, but a nice guy at heart. A little boy that got wounded by his mother and father at some point long ago, and that wounding is replayed out again and again and again in adulthood, our Mythic Yoga waiting to be played out and witnessed by the Gods as we surrender to our Amor Fati and play the role perfectly as all is as it should be. Such is life, the continual cycles and epic stories of love and betrayal, loss and redemption. I will play it out in my body tomorrow, and tonight i will look up to the stars and dream about it all.
However, my mind did get the best of me, endlessly negative about fears of this and that. I can shake myself of it a lot. But other times it’s like a grip of dreaded rot, that clings to my heart and body and mind like a sludge of tar.
On the way back from this beautiful place, Pepe got upset. Sure enough, he warned me of what lay in the path ahead of me. A snake! Huge, fat, coiled up and smack in the middle of the path! I was taken aback and backed up. Was it a rattlesnake? I was not sure. All I knew is that of all the wild creatures who have crossed my paths in life – bears, coyotes, wild turkeys – those little celestial visitors of nature that cause time to pause and celebrate – never had I encountered such a large snake! Of course I have encountered the garden kind and even collected their skin that I found stuck within the tentacles of a French strawberry patch, amazed at the gossamer skin left behind for a new life. But this was different!
I thought, what do I do? Call 911? A snake! Help! Barb wire fence was to one side, the other side of the path was tall grass and I thought, is its companion there too? I was confronted with the fact that I could only do what I could in the moment, and that was to just stand there. I was fiercely present. What was I to do? I breathed, waited and watched. Eventually, it slithered away slowly, and Pepe and I approached and I gathered the courage to watch this mythic creature slowly disappear in the tall grass nonchalant, as if it had no idea it was blocking my path at all. And there it was that this creature of the eternal cycle taught me a powerful lesson. Deal with only what is real and in front of your path! All my fears that can sometimes awaken me early in the morning to vomiting, is just a phantom, unreal, a busy mind that hasn’t been meditating enough! This powerful symbol of the cycles of life, tell me that the river is always flowing, slithering in fact, through life. It is this way and it is that way. It reminds me of the story of the Fabric of Life, Hindu. I will tell that story next for the You Tube. Maya. It can reveal, or it can obscure. The snake revealed something for me. The eternal, and that is where I need to rest and identify, rather than the tremulous mind.
Of course, life keeps finding it necessary to dish out difficulty for me. Lately I had finally let go the last drop of rage I had at my ex, Justin, regarding the lies and mess of the real estate shenanigans he got me into, as well as looting my widow’s fund from my late husband. I finally got over it and saw the part of him that I fell in love with – funny, liberal, artistic, hard working. But there was always some hidden dishonesty about him that betrayed my heart and trust. It was very painful. But I confronted my part – rage, oversensitivity to his children’s problems, RAGE at betrayal. I seem justified! Yet somehow I seem ashamed, but maybe I was just Kali protecting my young. Anyway, we had a nice heart-to-heart last night. It was very sad, and I had been grieving greatly the loss of my marriage and security – to see the house again. This house that I was promised if I put up the funds to finish it. The place where my children rode their bikes to the local school and my daughter trotted a little path each day to play with her best friend next door, Leroy. The two years of living in a half-finished house, nickle and dimeing my assets only to be pressured into selling it to pay off his debts, and which I refused, and finally, having lost all trust in him, divorced.
So this morning I got an urgent message. I must talk to you and come clear on some lies and what’s really happening, he said. He came over to my house and told me that the 31st street house was foreclosed on. The sale happened last Wednesday. I was in shock. Dumbfounded. He cried. I felt sorry for him. I had always urged him to declare bankruptcy rather than use me to pay off his debts, but he refused. Now it is revealed that he could have declared it, got rid of his debt, and kept the house. What loss. What eternal loss. The snake showed us, just like Buddhism’s first tenant, that all is continual sorrowful loss. Later it occurred to me that he was lying. What a coincidence that this came up the very next day. Was it guilt? Or something else that compelled him to confess. Once again I had the wool pulled over my eyes because I was gullible, loving, kind and giving. That once again I had given in to the con man shuffle of my ex husband. This sweet, funny, big nice guy in a bow tie, is also the source of great suffering and pain, betrayal and loss.
I spoke with my lawyer this evening. It’s true, you can’t trust him. I warned the court this spring, the judge EVERYBODY that this was the issue, if we could just talk to the bank itself and know what is going on, because what he says, can't be trusted! you need proof. For months I pleaded. The judge sided with Justin. Gave him another chance. And here we are.
I’m not angry. I actually feel very sad for Justin. He’s a nice guy. Dishonest and undependable, but a nice guy at heart. A little boy that got wounded by his mother and father at some point long ago, and that wounding is replayed out again and again and again in adulthood, our Mythic Yoga waiting to be played out and witnessed by the Gods as we surrender to our Amor Fati and play the role perfectly as all is as it should be. Such is life, the continual cycles and epic stories of love and betrayal, loss and redemption. I will play it out in my body tomorrow, and tonight i will look up to the stars and dream about it all.
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