Insulation

I awoke at 4 a.m. this morning to watch Vicky Cristina Barcelona. It was a nice movie. Then I got ready to go to Speer at 8:45 and Tom was there. We spent the morning in the cottage, putting green insulation into the attic. He did the attic work, while I stuffed the blower machine with the recycled newspaper stuff for insulation. I wore a mask and all this stuff was getting in my eyes. But it felt good to work on the place myself. I kept thinking that there must be some kind of karma with this place, as I learn how to fix it up. And it feels good too because on the inside I have been fixing myself up too. No longer am I afraid. no longer do I smoke or drink. I bet when I got to my ayurvedic physician I will be in balance. Because I speak slower, think more clearly. I am grounded and happy. And all the property's neglect from Justin, and to myself, is coming to an end.
Tom pulled down some weird stuff from the attic: old bottles, a chandelier, old copper pipes. He couldn't pull down a carpet. Typical Justin, all this sloppy crap storing stuff in weird places. All his houses had rusted old furnaces in them. I spend a lot of time weeding also and pulling up these broken sidewalk lights. I will replace them with solar. Tom is going to replace a few broken windows and on Thursday I am going to come and help him paint all day. I was horrified at the thought that Justin told me that trash is paid for by the City of Denver, but then I thought, he's lying. Tom thought it weird that a city pays for trash. I thought oh my god there is 10 years of back trash removal fees I owe! The thoughts of having to go bankrupt, collecting rent but not paying them went through my mind, as did taking the kids to Europe for a fling on the money. Turns out Denver does collect the trash. Whew!
I am also going to start scraping the old paint off the exterior of the main house. I am looking forward to it. It is a complete cleanse. I also ordered new washer and dryer. I am definitely playing the credit juggling act. And I also pour through ideas for my business in my mind to stay focused on that and how to also reorganize it. I am finding that I am gaining a lot of benefit from live workshops again. People respect me, like and value my work. I think it's because I respect, like and value my work. A big change from my old self, my old childhood.
I drove all over town looking for a lock shop, since Peter stole Ken's key and I have to have it replaced. Turns out these keys are hard to replace. Nobody can do it. So I will just have to change the locks. Ken is moving out, so I will rotate to that unit.
But I have to plan things, since I am also most likely going to fulfill my lifelong dream of cleaning out and fixing up my dad's house. That house of pain of my mother's. To really finally get all that crap out. Dad is really getting old. I would pay the interest on his mortgage to preserve the equity, but it would allow me to save money and pay down the Speer mortgage, refinance, etc. And we are going to hunker down for the next Great Depression that Dad has predicted all of our lives. It's finally here; his dream of us all living there and growing food on the third acre to survive is here. Considering all the mortgage foreclosures, job layoffs and world wide panic. Amazing Dad's predictions. And we thought he was crazy. I'm even starting to believe in the UFOs that are supposed to come and safe us. Ha! You never know! He told me that "something big was going to happen in July." So in May I pulled all my money out of the stock market, etc. that I had left. Good thing I did!

So I am into sweat equity. And I feel good. I had a date with this man on Friday. I didn't feel the need to compromise my no drinking. We had coffee. Also I didn't feel the need to cling to him for money or anything. I knew that my self would pull through. That deep silence and KNOWING that everything will be all right.
I was covered with dust, all over my face, body, hair, eyelashes. I love my little property. I love the HIghlands neighborhood.
Afterwards I drove back to Boulder to pick up the kids. I hung out with Dad for a while. There is no place to sit in the whole house. THe kitchen is filled with stuff, so I always sit on the hearth. Alejandro and Dad were playing X-Box. Later Dad and I planted spinach in the raised beds. I surveyed the house. Really it needs a good cleaning, new carpet and linoleum, paint on the inside. The bathroom is hideous and will have to be dealt with. The downstairs is hideous too but not unlivable. I wonder if Alejandro would like to live there. He will be upset that he won't get to go to Southern Hills with his friends. But it is unreasonable to drive all the way there each day. i would die. Plus i will be traveling more for work and I need that school bus service. I saw the ugly old blue paint that has rotted away the wood. I remember the day Mom and I painted the exterior. It's such a cheap, ugly blue. It doesn't match the pale yellow bricks. I remember running out of paint and so the streaks around the door were unfinished. It sat there for 35 years, unfinished and ugly. Mom used the leftover paint to paint the toilet seat, the backs of doors, and the tips of her scuffed shoes. I will have lunch with Dad and I expect him to decide if we will actually be moving in. I will have to plan and draw up a legal thing that I would inherit the property, since I am saving the equity and caring for dad. But I don't ever want to marry again. i know that I would end up in another mess of a relationship if I did, trapped and depressed. Dating is much simpler. I will just live with Dad, the kids will have their grandfather in their lives, I will have cleaned out the house and fixed it up and I will have fixed up myself on the inside. Self loving, having boundaries, feeling my self worth and taking care of myself. Feeling positive, disciplined and balanced. And this will retroactively heal the ancestors. Mom is healed. Dad is healed. And I can't wait to slowly make the garden a fantastic place. Pepe was running in the street. He's so like Bobbie, my mother's dog, yet he is well groomed,not with the matted clumps of hair that had poop stick to his bottom like Bobbie. I'm not ashamed of Pepe. He's a cute little thing. Things are changing. I am manifesting a great deal of joy.