Arising from the Ashes

I met the new tenants who rented the cottage. A nice, heavily tattooed young couple who are both hairdressers. They love the place, which is good. Although the toilet overflowed they said, and it made my heart stop. The new washer and dryer arrived, however, i needed a gas dryer, not electric, so back it went. But I did raise the wash to $1.50. So that will help!
I spent the morning then weeding the yard with Pepe. I bought a $1,000 gift card for Tom to use on expenses.
Tom is fixing up the front unit now. God it needs so much work. I think how I'd rather spend $1,000 a month on Paloma's private school or traveling around the world or my business or SOMETHING, but I think this is an investment. Or so they say. I imagine i will live in this thing at some point. I met the tenant Valerie from downstairs for the first time. A lovely young nursing student on her way to snowboard. I will have to start charging utilities for her. I died writing a $795 for utilities yesterday.
So most people will crush under the pressure I have. Only yoga I think makes me sane. To just show up in the now and figure it all out.
My lawyer sent a letter to Justin Chipman of Keller Williams Front Range Properties to respond on anything if he's cured the default on the mortgage. Nothing. Not a word. I wonder if I can tell the judge how he used extortion tactics to make me fork over cash. Like "We need $10,000 TODAY, or this 31st street property goes into foreclosure." And I freaked out thinking I'd lose all the money I had put into. And then getting talked into marrying him at the courthouse so that I could refinance Speer on my good credit and get my money back. Only to have all this mess
I think I mentioned how my late husband came through this psychic at a Kentucky Derby Party I attended in May 2006. She was an aquaintance at my kids' Montessori and she came up to me and said, "Sydney, I'm psychic you know. Your husband came to me in a dream last night. Was he dark skinned? Are you planning some sort of financial deal?" Yes, YES! To take my equity out of my home to the tune of $50k and let Justin borrow it. He's supposed to return it right away after his Martin house sells. "He said to warn you. It's a lot of money." Justin was right there over my shoulder. He said it's Just Frank trying to control you still. I got the pressure to go ahead with the deal. And of course that wasn't enough. So it was another $7k there and here, and my daughter was crying, "Why don't I have a Daddy? Mommy, can't you just go to the store and buy another Daddy for me? And it's so hard being a widow. A little voice inside of me said, "just keep going, Just get a nanny." But I didn't have enough faith in myself. I didnt' think I could make it as an artist and yoga teacher. So I forked over the cash, wanting to have a healed family.
Only problem is that Justin Chipman didn't keep any promises. I never got my $50k back right away. I got sucked into all his schemes. And here we are!
But it's OK.I'm stronger than ever. I will arise out of the ashes. This little Speer property that he neglected so long is really cute, and once it's fixed up, it will be wonderful. And My life is just that wonderful.
Because my kids and I ride out bikes down to the school park and we play with Pepe. Everybody congregates there. That is the greatest joy of all. To be with family and to love. Nothing really else matters, for this is all a dream. Not to be taken seriously. It is my dream, and I am identical with the dreamer, Vishnu. So I sit back and relax and not worry. Laksmi came to me too, not to worry, everything will work out. So I surrender. It's all I can do. And I meditate. That is the most helpful. And I love a lot. That is by far the very key to surviving everything. My whole life, all it's problems, craziness, is just perfect the way it is. And I love it all the same. I still cry when I see Frank's photo and the kids'. His presence and memory seem to fade away. But we talk about him sometimes. Small memories that come up. The kids will still remember. All is well. All is love.

The Great Depression

Just reading my old posts, I can't go back to Kilkenny Street. That would mean all the fear, doubt and poverty still exist in me. I don't have to go back to care for my father, who I was like a spouse to as a child, who I listened to his cries over mom's insanity all the time, tried to pep him up and convince him to get a divorce, whom I gave so many ideas to and none of them came about. So he is my original wounding. I can't go back. That would be the worst wounding of all. Instead, I mirror myself. Nobody mirrored me as a child. It was just Patti Straub on her own, as Dad and Mom drained her of her talent because of their neediness. So Kilkenny will sit. I will focus on work. I will manifest my thoughts. Just like the Yoga Vasistha story says, "There was once a monk devoted to meditation who had obtained the power to materialize his thoughts." And I just empty myself out. All the fears and worries and feel the brightness of my life now, clean and happy, self-fulfilled. There is no turning back. There is no great depression coming. At least not for me. Things are getting better. They are getting better all the time. The more I meditate, the more I realize this to be true. A new identity outside the pain, outside the fear, outside the concentration camp of my own mind.

Blind Faith

It happens just about every night that I wake up early and start obsessing about Speer. Then I move angrily to Justin, and how the hell did I allow this overweight, fast-talking, 6'5" man talk me into all that he did? How on earth did I just let him borrow $50k of my home equity in the Arvada house, then not pay it back because he over stated the value of his house, then say, "You own $50K in this 31st street house!" And then I end up dumping another $50k into it, $10k of which he told me on March of 2007 that it will go into foreclosure unless I pay up! And then to get that money back, I had to get married him to save the Speer property that was in foreclosure because he didn't pay! And then he decided he would go into real estate instead of finishing the house, and that I would support him while he did that and battled his first ex-wife, Catherine, in arbitration, etc. because he had broken all his agreements with her.
And then the Speer property was financed when the hey dey of loans, just tell them anything and they will give you 80% loan to value on it! So it's drained of equity, rents don't cover the mortgages, all adjustable. So in the end I am so sick of it, drained of cash, do not trust his big fat lies, tired of his psycho children (his daughter would burn holes in my daughter's furniture, so envious she was of her, or draw on my children's baby pictures, then tear them up and bury them in the back yard.) His son would go into psychotic screaming fits.
So I was in love you could say. Stupid in love in search of family healing. I'm convinced he was stalking me all along, because Justin 's brother-in-law, Roger, was a salesman at Stevinson Toyota in Lakewood, and Justin told me that Roger called him that day that I came in and paid cash for a brand new 2004 Toyota Sienna XL, with leather seats, dvd, sunroof, extended warranty. The works! He said, "I met this widow today who paid cash for this Toyota van you wanted. YOu should give her a call." Well guess who ended up with my mini van in the divorce? Justin? And Roger's wife, Justin's sister Jill, has my furniture. We gave it to them in exchange for a "lifetime supply of shoes," and I was promised I would get them back if we broke up. Well I got one pair of shoes and I didn't get my couches back. I envision that they get violent knee pain every time they look at the couches, but I'm sure that happens anyway without my hex. The same way that I channel my anger into the Mini van and seeing it van blow up. But i see that that is all wasted energy now. Justin is doomed to live in fear, debt and denial his whole life. My lawyer and I met with the judge for contempt of court because now he is has allowed 31st street to go into foreclosure, as he agreed to pay all the mortgages, taxes and insurance since Nov. 08 and has not!
So I rented the little Speer cottage. I gave up trying to fix it up myself and just hired Tom to do it. It's really cute with new paint and door, etc. I weeded out front. The new tenants come soon. I raised the rent on Ken so he left. I felt kinda bad and fearful, but I had to! It's just business. I am meeting somebody today. It will be vacant for a month, so Tom is getting in there to refinish the hardwood floors, paint and a new front door. So badly neglected the property did Justin do. IT will cost me a lot, but what else can I do? I can't even refinance it because get this, I was on social security as my income to get the properties I own, however, when I married Justin, that went away. So now you can't refinance! so i have to wait two years, as I am trying to get back on and then also keep making my business work!
I get fearful about the economy and such, but I just program myself to force myself to think positive. That my work has value, that all this crap story of mine has inspirational meaning for somebody. That you just keep following your dream no matter what. This isn't about money, this isn't about anything but art. Do I want rental properties? Hell no! I'd rather be focusing on my art and kids rather than showing the place. But I think God wants me to have rental properties, because I do. And get this, I can't even walk away from them because since Justin took the equity out to pay off his debts, I am stuck with the taxes! He lied to the poor girl last in the cottage who rented. He said utilities were something small, but with electric heat, they were like $280 a month! poor thing! He is a terrible liar. He lied to me, and why I believed him and how I settled for such a screwy separation agreement I will tell in another post. I will tell you how my dead husband tried to warn me, and how hard it is to raise two children alone as a widow. So I'm in it for the long haul and I will fix it up, I will succeed at it, my business will explode and i will support myself as an artist.
I stopped by my father's house because he was having pain in his leg. And it's back to that I can't live there because it would kill him. And of course kill me. It's so filthy and shocking horrible and the time and effort and money to fix it up, it's not possible. So that makes me focus even more. On nothing but success and love and the goodness of my work. That yes, i could save $2,500 a month living there, but what price sanity? For my kids, for me. And the beautiful thing is that this morning a freelance writer asked for my materials to review. Imagine that! I just need some more good press and things will be fine. And I use my powers of the universe to create with my thoughts. Even Mehul Acharya, this guy in India who is promoting my work, says that. So he's working away at things. I rent this house in West Boulder, and that's nice. Because I have two houses I can barely handle now. And if something breaks down, I just call the guy. Although it's a bit disappointing because the fireplace isn't working and it's still cold outside, snow this morning! And the garage door isn't working!
And now I have a Mexico trip plan, and swine flu is breaking out! Oh, well. It's all good. Everything will be find and don't worry. That's Lakshmi, the goddess card I drew from the deck.
I had fun yesterday buying a new pots and pan set and a new hamster home for Paloma's pet Opal. It was fun setting it up with her. Then her tutor was upset with me that I didn't want to put her on ritalin for her ADD, and then I was worried again that she can't learn or something. And then I realized that all I have to do is show up in the moment and everything is all right. Everything is just hte way it's supposed to be. I have learned the value of money, how to say, "I CAN'T DO THAT, and protect myself and my assets. Justin was a vampire, plain and simple. And for some reason I attract them. Like a mother caring for wounded children. Trying to heal the wounds of my own father and mother.
So I have blind faith to live by and that is all I can say.

Insulation

I awoke at 4 a.m. this morning to watch Vicky Cristina Barcelona. It was a nice movie. Then I got ready to go to Speer at 8:45 and Tom was there. We spent the morning in the cottage, putting green insulation into the attic. He did the attic work, while I stuffed the blower machine with the recycled newspaper stuff for insulation. I wore a mask and all this stuff was getting in my eyes. But it felt good to work on the place myself. I kept thinking that there must be some kind of karma with this place, as I learn how to fix it up. And it feels good too because on the inside I have been fixing myself up too. No longer am I afraid. no longer do I smoke or drink. I bet when I got to my ayurvedic physician I will be in balance. Because I speak slower, think more clearly. I am grounded and happy. And all the property's neglect from Justin, and to myself, is coming to an end.
Tom pulled down some weird stuff from the attic: old bottles, a chandelier, old copper pipes. He couldn't pull down a carpet. Typical Justin, all this sloppy crap storing stuff in weird places. All his houses had rusted old furnaces in them. I spend a lot of time weeding also and pulling up these broken sidewalk lights. I will replace them with solar. Tom is going to replace a few broken windows and on Thursday I am going to come and help him paint all day. I was horrified at the thought that Justin told me that trash is paid for by the City of Denver, but then I thought, he's lying. Tom thought it weird that a city pays for trash. I thought oh my god there is 10 years of back trash removal fees I owe! The thoughts of having to go bankrupt, collecting rent but not paying them went through my mind, as did taking the kids to Europe for a fling on the money. Turns out Denver does collect the trash. Whew!
I am also going to start scraping the old paint off the exterior of the main house. I am looking forward to it. It is a complete cleanse. I also ordered new washer and dryer. I am definitely playing the credit juggling act. And I also pour through ideas for my business in my mind to stay focused on that and how to also reorganize it. I am finding that I am gaining a lot of benefit from live workshops again. People respect me, like and value my work. I think it's because I respect, like and value my work. A big change from my old self, my old childhood.
I drove all over town looking for a lock shop, since Peter stole Ken's key and I have to have it replaced. Turns out these keys are hard to replace. Nobody can do it. So I will just have to change the locks. Ken is moving out, so I will rotate to that unit.
But I have to plan things, since I am also most likely going to fulfill my lifelong dream of cleaning out and fixing up my dad's house. That house of pain of my mother's. To really finally get all that crap out. Dad is really getting old. I would pay the interest on his mortgage to preserve the equity, but it would allow me to save money and pay down the Speer mortgage, refinance, etc. And we are going to hunker down for the next Great Depression that Dad has predicted all of our lives. It's finally here; his dream of us all living there and growing food on the third acre to survive is here. Considering all the mortgage foreclosures, job layoffs and world wide panic. Amazing Dad's predictions. And we thought he was crazy. I'm even starting to believe in the UFOs that are supposed to come and safe us. Ha! You never know! He told me that "something big was going to happen in July." So in May I pulled all my money out of the stock market, etc. that I had left. Good thing I did!

So I am into sweat equity. And I feel good. I had a date with this man on Friday. I didn't feel the need to compromise my no drinking. We had coffee. Also I didn't feel the need to cling to him for money or anything. I knew that my self would pull through. That deep silence and KNOWING that everything will be all right.
I was covered with dust, all over my face, body, hair, eyelashes. I love my little property. I love the HIghlands neighborhood.
Afterwards I drove back to Boulder to pick up the kids. I hung out with Dad for a while. There is no place to sit in the whole house. THe kitchen is filled with stuff, so I always sit on the hearth. Alejandro and Dad were playing X-Box. Later Dad and I planted spinach in the raised beds. I surveyed the house. Really it needs a good cleaning, new carpet and linoleum, paint on the inside. The bathroom is hideous and will have to be dealt with. The downstairs is hideous too but not unlivable. I wonder if Alejandro would like to live there. He will be upset that he won't get to go to Southern Hills with his friends. But it is unreasonable to drive all the way there each day. i would die. Plus i will be traveling more for work and I need that school bus service. I saw the ugly old blue paint that has rotted away the wood. I remember the day Mom and I painted the exterior. It's such a cheap, ugly blue. It doesn't match the pale yellow bricks. I remember running out of paint and so the streaks around the door were unfinished. It sat there for 35 years, unfinished and ugly. Mom used the leftover paint to paint the toilet seat, the backs of doors, and the tips of her scuffed shoes. I will have lunch with Dad and I expect him to decide if we will actually be moving in. I will have to plan and draw up a legal thing that I would inherit the property, since I am saving the equity and caring for dad. But I don't ever want to marry again. i know that I would end up in another mess of a relationship if I did, trapped and depressed. Dating is much simpler. I will just live with Dad, the kids will have their grandfather in their lives, I will have cleaned out the house and fixed it up and I will have fixed up myself on the inside. Self loving, having boundaries, feeling my self worth and taking care of myself. Feeling positive, disciplined and balanced. And this will retroactively heal the ancestors. Mom is healed. Dad is healed. And I can't wait to slowly make the garden a fantastic place. Pepe was running in the street. He's so like Bobbie, my mother's dog, yet he is well groomed,not with the matted clumps of hair that had poop stick to his bottom like Bobbie. I'm not ashamed of Pepe. He's a cute little thing. Things are changing. I am manifesting a great deal of joy.

Speer

I have this rental property on Speer. I got it in the divorce with Justin. It's an old house that has been converted into four units, including a cottage in the back. Justin insisted it was worth a lot, even though he married me just to use my good credit, take the equity out of it in the hey day of all these easy mortgages, and now I have a property with little equity, not a lot of cash to spend on it and a lot of work. It loses cash each month. And yesterday I found out, in trying to figure out all the mess and neglect, that the utility bills are higher because he had put each unit with its own separate account. I did not know that. So I will have to catch up on a lot of utilities. Just the cottage alone needs a lot of repair. Holes in the bricks sealed up where mice get in. Insulation, new paint, fixing cracked windows, fixing the door. To save money I am meeting him there at 8:30 a.m. to help with the insulation. I rented it to this young hair-stylist couple who is moving here from San Diego. I will be fixing up the property, slowly raising the rents, and hopefully be able to refinance it while rates are so low. Only problem is that Justin drained me of my cash, for you see, I was a wealthy widow when I met him. And I was a walking target, despite his poor credit and huge debts, he was a fast-talking, nice guy who convinced me to shell out massive cash despite numerous failures to complete promises on time. I failed myself, including to protect my kids. I had him invade my life and finances, and now divorced from him, I am building it all up again. Because all my cash is gone. I have these houses, including another rental property in Arvada. But I have faith in my business, faith in myself. That's something I never had before, because the upside of all of this mess is that it has made me a woman of incredible courage, incredible will and downright strength.

I don't know why, but I think God wants me to have rental properties. Despite all my good intentions of trying to protect my assets, trying to get a good lawyer, fiercely fighting to stand my position, this is what I ended up with. So I chalk it up to karma.
I was in court Wednesday for Justin in contempt of court for allowing the 31st Street house to go into pre-foreclosure. It was ugly, but necessary.
So all of my life, it has been about houses. Now I am fixing my own houses, cleaning my own houses, and cleaning myself from the inside out. I have made some great gains in therapy. Mainly to have boundaries, not to allow people to take, take, take. To clean out negativity, self-hatred and doubt, and really create my own world and claim my power. So I do believe that things will turn around, despite the difficulty of the last six years. Despite the difficulty of most of my life.
So that is what this memoir is about. THe houses I have lived in, lost, gained and cleaned rebuilt, and most of all, the house that is my body, my mind, my heart and how I became the Queen of Bohemia.

The Dream

Ever since I was a little child I had this fantasy. That the house I grew up in on 1388 Kilkenny Street in Boulder, Colorado should be completely cleaned out, remodeled into a beautiful little kingdom with a fantastic garden and that I should live with my father in everlasting happiness.