Freedom from Things

The Queen hiked up the mountain with Prince Pepe today. She has been very tired with all her preparations for her big journey. Being out in nature is the healing salve, as is spending time with friends. And the Queen realizes, because of her High Priestess nature, that she must rest. Rest indeed. Rest a long time. Even though it’s spring, it says to rest on a different level. Resting within her own kingdom and family.

Of course my father is the original and most serious wounding. That invisible vampire hiding from the mirror. And each time I go for it, the sucker of my own self doubts- returning to the filth of the house, why is it so tempting? I was going to store some of my things at my father’s. My bookcases and bed, so I’d have a place to stay if need be. Ultimately I was thinking, I’m crazy, it’s so filthy, I’d rather sleep on a friend’s couch. He was going to take Pepe and Esme. I was going to build a fence. Then he went to his therapist, Marsha, whom I used to go to and recommended to him. He said it would kill him to empty out the ham radio room to put my bed there. All his pack rat stuff. He’s right, and that’s fine. Perhaps Marsha is this invisible hand preventing our disastrous unconscious drives of doom.

Of course that realizes my inability to have somebody to depend on. They say one thing, but ultimately back out their support, just leave you hanging mid air. You thought you were secure to take the leap; they said they would be there. But then they are not.
That is always the challenge. How do you trust anybody? What they say? Always keep a back door open, make plans on your own to fall back on. Never give yourself away again? Is there always some boundary that is necessary in order for true love to exist? Love for yourself and love for the other?

Gilbert had Lance clean out the garage and all the mouse poop. It looks great, reorganized. I’m always horrified how I just lump and throw things in the garage. Like my mother, a mess. But I just have the help now to get it cleaned up. We artists are eccentric; anyway, that’s where the genius comes from. Where Gilbert complains my upstairs is a mess and the art area in the garage is a mess, Lance says it looks great and cool. ‘You’re an artist.” And so the Queen is! (And also the High Priestess in secret.) But it is relieving to get rid of things. It’s liberating. It’s that packrat that’s been on my back, holding on to loss. I used to be so free in my youth. Then lots of adult loss builds up on your back and pulls you down. But getting rid of it frees you.

I know the cycle well. Stir things up, move, chaos, stress and worry and too many things to do. But the monotony of otherwise would kill me. The monotony of my living situation, the lack of community, the dying for a need to grow plants that I cook and eat, the intense desire to teach my own children, to practice yoga, to live as simply as possible. I am more compelled from something deep within. It’s the world, it’s the mother or the pulse or libido of the universe that makes me do it, so I just surrender. I saw the coloring book of Siddhartha that I had given my kids. I looked through the half colored pages, rummaging for some to salvage. But there was the start black-and-white picture of the Buddha EXHAUSTED, crawling up from the river bank, to sit under the Bodhi Tree. Giving up. To release and let go.
It is like a mission of mine. To go out there in faith. To know I am supported by not only the divine but my own positive and powerful thoughts. To feel in my body when I do warrior pose, that I am DURGA, I am that which is hard to access, that nothingness that is everything, and I only need to remain there. Meditation is my tool. That regular practice to get up. To sit. To reside someplace else than my terrified thoughts.

But the thought of returning to the place of healing, the place before the wounding. Like the Oklahoma City Bombing. How it was like 11:59 a.m. before the bombing struck. To get back to that place. To clean out all the stuff in the middle. To return to mothering, teaching, simplicity, the home arts. That is where my heart is. That is all I want to do. My children mean that much to me. It’s to precious to lose. It has so much meaning and love for me in it. And it will set us all free.

The house has a new feel about it. Lighter, less cluttered. There is a sense of freedom. To really narrow down all your possessions to a little bit. It is easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get to heaven. Because it’s all spirit. It just lights up in front of you on a regular moment, and all you can do is enjoy its rapture and depth, blazing in the sunlight.

The Third Level of Cleaning

The Queen of Bohemia, when she doesn’t have her duties as the High Priestess, is back to cleaning her own house. This time it’s a deep clean. A purge, in fact everything must go. For the Queen is preparing to go out on a mission, and she must leave everything behind. All her castle barbecues and hoards of things. There she is cleansing deeply, from the inside out. And the more she strips away and cleans the outside, the more the inside is cleaned out, and the more powerful she becomes. Because the less material objects she has, she finds the more faithful she is.



It has been a whirlwind of activity. The spring has activated seeds long over due for germinating. I have spent the weekend tackling the dirty house, not just cleaning it but purging it. I have to get away from this complex American life, the traffic jams, the junk mail and spam, the mediocre pop culture, the stuff. Gilbert gave me a stern come to Papa talk about my packrat mentality. I defended it as an artist’s life. He said I was like my father.
Irked, but still firm in my artist self, I ruthlessly culled old books, bronze Buddha statues, my late husband’s items, corn on the cob dishes, clothing. I never want to spend another winter in Colorado again so out with the coats. I can’t believe I rearranged and reorganized completely my art space in the garage. I was aghast that mice had snuck in this unusually hard winter and gotten into the bird seed. And of coruse into the house. Hondo won’t sleep downstairs anymore.

I seriously plowed into everything, spurred on by the bird seed in the garage. The mouse poop covered a lot, and I thought, am I my mother? Is my place just as filthy as my father’s with the black mold in the basement? I had to let go of things. Just strip them down to basics. I want to live as simply as possible. Only the essentials. Not needing to upkeep furniture or dishes or things or most definitely not to upkeep a car. I want to walk to get my groceries, cook only with fresh ingredients. Live in a community. Where in the world could that be? Hardly in America. But I have filled the garage with tons of stuff for a future garage sale. I am making arrangements.
Tonight the kids and I ate out for the first time in a week since the return from the cruise. I had been getting used to eating only what was on hand in the house to use it up. All shopping will be around these food items. To actually practice some home economics and cook around staples.

I never had a mother to really show me how to eat. My mother’s cooking consisted of microwaving eggs, Doritos, boiled beef in a bag, or Banquet frozen fried chicken. For a while I was really into cooking for the whole family when I was a teen, but it was just things from a recipe book, nothing consistent and focused on a few staple dishes.

Slowly we have been eating better. As you pare everything away, if you get rid of all the stuff, there is very little to focus on: yoga, meditation, eating right, teaching the kids and being with them as family, love, travel, friends, gardening, art and music and literature and stories. How those simple things really make my soul sing, and also ache for that which has been lost in our wasteland of capitalism.

I’m exhausted. It’s truly the big purge, the big cleaning of the house. To finally be free of all the clutter, all the stuff. I’m thinking to do my Kripalu and Omega workshops on the east coast July, send the kids to their late father’s family in San Antonio for a few months, then we all go to Mexico in August where I have a training, maybe spend a month or so there, then head to an eco yoga farm in Argentina. And the winter in Montserrat.

I picked up a homeschooling book on giving your kids a classical education. I think, why not. I can be close to my kids and educate them in yoga and more, bring out the teacher in me. My sister Narada homeschooled four kids. Of course she’s a Krishna, but she’s very inspiring. I’m going to take the kids to visit them all tomorrow and go to temple and dinner.

I also have been thinking a lot about Jesus too. Like I’d like to incorporate Jesus into the yogic homeschooling. Joseph Campbell says you tend to return to the religion of your childhood, the first myth you were indoctrinated in. Usually I cringe or am afraid to say the word Jesus because it has so many horrible implications, especially with the sinister and sick Catholic church pedophile scandal. Evil! And naturally by being in Latin American countries you can get into the rhythm of the seasons with all the holidays and festivals, usually placed over indigenous traditions, so why not make them have an even bigger new-agy Jesus twist. It would be nice to focus on the life and acts of Christ, his personality traits and being a good human being, rather than the morbidity and torture of his death. Of course we teach that you are eternal and identical with Christ and ever lasting life, a sentence that could get you burned at stake years ago, but that’s the facts, Jack. Of course we’d have Buddhist meditation, Sufi poetry, and plenty of science to doubt all our mythology so that we may have the most perfect of faith.

I’m exhausted, but exhilarated. Spiritual transformation is about losing everything and gaining the soul.

I can’t wait to be rid of everything!

THE HIGH PRIESTESS

The Queen is no longer a Queen. She is a priestess. The journey has transformed her. Upon the return to her castle, the Queen had a sacred ceremony and met with the Tree. She slipped inside the door and there she was initiated. The roses overflowed and thier scent filled the garden.
Her mother was there. Giving her her crown, weapons and wand. And she gave her her charge. To move to a cottage in the country near the kingdom, but also to move out into the world. She was to find all the demons of the world that are terrorizing the villagers, tame them with her powers and might and turn them into her footmen and palace administrators. And the world will be a better place for it.

I had a fascinating dream last night. I dreamt of my late husband. It
was the first time in many years. He looked a little different, but he
was his same go-getter self. It turns out that he had faked his death.
I followed him. I thought, what does this mean? Will I have to pay
back the insurance money? There was something double-headed about my
late husband in the dream. And at one point in a car, I realized that
I had the power to influence my dream to turn out how i want.

I have had the dream of my late husband faking his death many times.
Sometimes those dreams were about something dishonest, hidden, he was
double-crossed. It makes me think of his friend who drowned in a lake recently on a golf course in New Mexico while walking his dogs who had run out on the ice. Once I had a dream about him that he came to visit, and I was happy to see him. I said, "Look, here are your
children!" and it seemed he was too ashamed of what he had done to go to them.Each time the faked death dreams were a feeling of, he's back and I'm with him again and not sure I want to be, and that of do I have to give the insurance money back.

I started reading Raja Yoga on the Kindle on the cruise. It teaches in lessons that you realize, that you are the center of the universe, your own sun, and that you are a sphere of
power and influence from that point, that axis mundi, your own world
tree. You wake up to the illusion of the maya that is the matrix of
the cosmos. You really start to see things as a dream, which is
vedantic, however, the trick is that you see yourself in the dream
state, getting better at being aware of yourself dreaming in the
dream. What you are doing in waking consciousness is having an effect
on dream consciousness. They are weaving back and forth, which is
tantric. The indigenous of Costa Rica say that a female shaman is a
butterfly, because her two wings go in and out of each state of
consciousness.

So we can really start to wake up in both dream worlds! This one and
our dream one! But which one is a dream? You may ask! That reminds me
of the Chinese story of the man and a butterfly. A man dreamt last
night that he was a butterfly, but then he thought, maybe I am a
butterfly now dreaming that I am a man.

Where is the real you if we are dreaming in both states of
consciousness? That center point, the transcendent, the depths behind
everything. You are able to step back and observe your self, and that
point from which you observe everything is everything - the totality
of consciousness and energy, which is projected outward from that point.

You can influence your environment if you practice like a magician, or a high priestess and work with dreams, and pass through those pillars of duality into the transcendent. It is your God-given power. I focused on the fact that that space I'm in is also EVERYTHING. Every evil drug lord in Colombia who horribly abuses exotic pet animals, every baby burned with a cigarette, every cherry tree blossoming in spring, every high-pitched laugh of a child. You have to accept everything. Love they enemy for the enemy is you! All the stuff you reject, that is rejected in the world. It should be reconciled in paradox, so that peace and paradise prevail rather than anxiety and neurosis over the split.

I've forced to work on snippets of dreams that I dismiss as nothing and irrelevant or useless. It's like the story of the King who every day received a piece of mud from a monkey. Every day the King dismissed it as useless and threw it behind his throne, only years later to discover that mud had fallen away from thousands of jewels inside.
If you have a hard time remembering dreams, don't ever stop trying because the whole
act of reminding yourself to dream automatically does something
regardless, self-observation and developing will. Our will is a
powerful thing. find it and use it! The Queen is! That's why she is now the High-Priestess. BUt she's aligned with Durga and Kali. There is a lot of letting go necessary. A lot of slaying of interior demons and negative aspects.

I have been meditating and focusing my will, that things work out, and creating this picture of what I want in my mind. I use some physical techniques of crossing my ankles and hands and arms while lying down, and meditate to manifest! And meeting with my assistant today, she reminded me of Robert Johnson's work Owning Your Own Shadow, to get that dark side out. I wrote down some things today that were hard to face. I'm messy, scattered, impulsive, can be a cluttered person, and can be difficult and combative. Like the landlady is really starting to piss me off. Gilbert said I could get out of my lease early and he's been showing the house and getting it ready, and I had sent a letter confirming it and she freaked out saying she didn't approve such a thing. SO!

I have been trying to settle my debts. I spent all day yesterday and much of today in an arduous process, having business credit cards excluded. And then I've been trying to set up everything online for payments, and naturally there is a problem with the site and spent hours in customer service on one account on the Speer mortgage only to not get it resolved with evil Bank of America. So things are making progress, even thought it's still difficult. Like I do have to break down and cry every so often.
But then I pull myself up pretty quickly now, practice my Raja Yoga and exert my will and I'm happy again. How I miss the King! That tends to compound the difficulty, since I miss his presence and moral support, as it's awfully difficult doing things all alone.
I have been very into Raja Yoga, perhaps all my life. those were the
first yoga books i read of my father's.
I have been reading a book on Raja Yoga on vacation, and I would cite the title and author, but it's on the Kindle and I can't find it now.
I've been de-cluttering things, getting ready to have a garage sale in May. Doing lots of busy work. Things are really starting to pop and crank wonderfully. It truly is the power of waking up to who you really are, the Divine Self, and believing in it rather than the ego.

My Hare Krishna niece and her family are going to check out Speer, which has a 2-unit is coming up vacant soon. Ideally her husband will manage it. I had visited the property on Monday when I went to visit a business lawyer. I talked with Miguel, Sr. They were maybe going to move upstairs, but it's too expensive so they will renew to stay in the basement. I will feel guilty raising the rent! We spoke in Spanish. I've typically had a hard time understanding everything in Spanish spoken from local people who are not newscasters on Univision, but it's pretty much agreed that I'm bringing by a Home Depot gift card tomorrow for him to get cement and fix the problem why their basement unit floods when there are heavy rains, and start scraping and painting the place. It's a cute place. The two apricot trees are blossoming and they are gorgeous. My will will magically transform Speer from the dump Justin left it to the most charming rental property in Highlands Square. So be it, says the Queen, (who is secretly the High Priestess.)

THE QUEEN IN LOVE AND DEATH

The Queen has been away on a long journey. She has sailed the seven seas and gone far from the Kingdom. Disguised as a commoner, she sees new sights, new worlds, new possibilities. The old Kingdom seems to disappear; things shift. Dark cobwebs do not have any power over her any more. In fact, their power has lost its grip completely and any demons have vanished. The Queen remembers the court astrologer telling her one time, “Your Karma is done here.” Although she misses Prince Pepe dearly, something calls her to keep traveling, keep moving far, far away from her old world, and venture into the other half of her life in a new Kingdom far from the maddening crowd. This power she has achieved, this trust and having survived so much difficulty with the demons, she now realized that they were doing her a favor. Her battles with the demons have made her strong, so very strong and brave and fearless. She thanks the demons. She loves the demons and tells them so. They have taken her by the hand and have led her to the doorway out. They led her to a new Kingdom, to the Kingdom of faith and everlasting life.


I am at sea on a cruise ship, heading back from Cartagena, Colombia for Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. We have been on a two-week cruise. It was a much-needed escape. The winter was indeed hard and long. I was so grateful we missed several heavy snowstorms and I danced in delight in the warm, humidity on the first day of spring when we were in Mexico. My hair has body, my skin glows, my nails grow. Such earthly paradise!

There was so much moist green in Mexico, Guatemala, Panama and Colombia. Things grow here in abundance. Such a contrast from Colorado. Truly I feel an energy shift. It’s powerful. Like a release. I am free on an inexplicable level. Could it be the haunting of the past must be left behind? My traumatic childhood, my husband’s death? My ex-husband’s looting me? To let that all go. Pack up and leave. I feel reborn, as If a second half of life is opening up. And having the King in my life makes such a difference, too. A companion, a confidant, a lover. I don’t wake up panicked and stressed. There is someone by my side. This makes me feel more confident in myself than ever, as I have been alone most of my life, and now I am not.

Strangely, I have this intense urge to rid myself of possessions and wander freely. All the loss from my ex-husband’s real estate shenanigans, even ending up with my property, it no longer bothers me. What is loss? What is gain to the sage? In my life I have seen so much come and go, it just keeps coming and going, but I’m still here above to keep coming and going and be. You really don’t need much in life at all. The American Dream is a lie, a con, a farse. The materialistic capitalistic world cuts us off from our inner dimension in which everything is provided in joy. What power a wandering ascetic has, to own nothing, but his faith. Even a man on the corner, who lost his job, his sign reads, “Lost everything except my faith.” How I have been there several times before how true. Those demons and difficulties, they make your strong, faithful and powerful. Everybody should be so lucky as I to lose everything, for your find yourself in the process.

I realize how hindering it is to have things, keep up with them and keep them up. Before I married my first husband, most of what I owned fit in the back of a car. He convinced me otherwise, that it was a mark of success to own things, have a big house. With marriage to him my possessions exploded – furniture, tools, hardware, books, gym equipment, kitchen gadgets, cars, and all the stuff you need to maintain them. When he died I had a massive estate sale, got rid of half of it, but when the movers moved me to a tiny house they still said, “Lady, you have a lot of stuff.” I was horrified. I got rid of more stuff, But the handyman I hired to remodel the place called me a “clutter fuck,” I knew there was something wrong. Then I remarried, and a lot of my possessions were stolen by Justin or his mother and sister, which whittled things down a bit.

I realize now that most of my stuff is collections. I have this fascination with artistic artifacts that decorate my house: antique salt and pepper shakers, antique cameras, antique pins and buttons, antique books, indigenous weaving collections, a collection of incense burners which I gave to my father. Stamp and coin collections, magnet collections on the side of the fridge. Antique doll collections. And then there is my artwork and books, and family photos. I’d keep those. Put them in storage. But the collections can go. The furniture I’d give to my father or Krishna sister who moved back from India. She can use them. I’d be free. All I need is my laptop. I’d home school my children, go and see the world and teach them by traveling. And really, the US feels a lot like Germany 1933, and its only a matter of time before the dollar really crashes and the nutty militias who have been loading up on bullets and homemade bombs start coming out of the woodwork. I’m dreaming of a yoga farm in Argentina. I’ve already contacted them. I’ll visit with the King and see, and naturally hang out in Buenos Aires! I’d do anything to get out of Beige-istan, Colorado. I’d do anything not to have to drive I-36 anymore and see nothing but big box, suburban hell. It strangles my soul so much. I need life!

For death can be lurking around the corner, and I no longer can bare to live in Colorado. Something compels me to leave. To see the world, my biggest remaining desire. My children are bored to death in their schools, the budgets are being cut, and after watching Bowling for Columbine again I realize the schools, and American culture period, are not safe.

I no longer can participate either in the American way of life. I want to ditch my car, not consume oil, but walk. I am tired of the endless drone of media that speaks nothing of the outside world. I am tired of my countries terrorism in other countries, its terrible foreign policy that I am apart of.

As for Speer, I have Gilbert managing the place. The hairdresser couple skipped out on me, leaving the place a mess. Gilbert got it cleaned up and filled again. The neighborhood is in high demand, thank goodness. I will have the people in the basement start painting in the spring to make it look better and slowly raise the rents over time. The King helped me catch up on the mortgages and I am so grateful. I had been living off the mortgages and paying off some medical bills with them, because since October I had to slow down and take care of myself and children rather than work because things were just Oh, too stressful with Justin letting the house go into foreclosure. I can’t collect from his realtor insurance, despite my lawyer’s best efforts. Next we will try garnishing his wages.

I will be able to hire a manager for Speer and afford it by living abroad, where things are cheaper. I stopped paying my credit cards since I couldn’t afford them any more and since Justin isn’t paying me back the $30k that was to go toward paying them. I am making deals with my creditors to pay them off, and I will save up money for that living abroad. I won’t have to declare bankruptcy. Regardless I will still be self-sufficient, make my business work. Believe in myself, for after all, I am the Queen. And by practicing yoga and meditation and by studying Raja Yoga in particular, I realize once again the power within. That the outside world is an illusion, a game for you to play. I realize the power of your will and mind. You can do anything. You just have to believe it, and amazingly by being outside of Colorado and that harsh climate, the energy has shifted and I truly believe I have that power. Something in Colorado held me back. But now, nothing is held back, especially my love.

And what is life? I have lived 43 years, done pretty much everything I’ve wanted to do, so now I will travel. And also I will teach children. How poverty and ignorance bothers me. I will make my business into a non-profit and start the Storytime Yoga Children’s Mission. I will serve children, teach them the peace I have found through yoga and story, so that they can be peaceful and end the wars, end the madness. Somehow I feel my father’s childhood war experiences will be not forgotten, but remembered as to prevent any more suffering.

Because I believe death is around the corner. I will live a long life, but death is always right there. It’s a good friend. About a month ago, all in one week the Chile earthquake hit, my in-laws were in a terrible car accident in San Antonio, I spent the day at urgent care with my father who was severely ill, and a friend of my late husband drowned in a lake. Another friend came to visit; her mother had died suddenly. It was as if death was coming to remind me of something; life is short, what are you going to do with it? Sit here in this bland culture or are you going to free yourself, go out and explore the world, teach your children about the world, and do something to serve children around the world?

I will go wherever people invite me to teach, put on a training, visit. I will wind this blog down and start on another one, penning my insights on the vast world, its stories and customs, to share with people. I will write my memoir, what to call it? Memoirs of a Yogini perhaps. Because the Queen is very happy. She has found that faith inside her, that everything has had its purpose, to bring her into complete faith, complete surrender, and to learn the power of yoga and storytelling. That she is sustained by the race of Lord Shiva, and he’s asking her to go out now. Go out into the world and journey, teach. Have a mission. And that mission is love. The great love I feel for the world. Even though it seems so horribly shrouded by evil at every turn, there is just as much love. The love I have for my children, the love I have for my King. The love I have for the divine. It’s a great sense of trust, of adventure, of fulfilling destiny. Yes, The Queen must take a risk. She will let everything go, and she will follow her heart, wherever it leads her.

Sergeant Pepe the Duality Dog, and the Tree

Today the Queen of Bohemia went up a different mountain on the other side of the Kingdom. She hadn’t been there in a while, and she wanted Sergeant Pepe to be off leash for he had been promoted to Prince Pepe. For you see, Pepe had been groomed at the Penelope’s Pet Palace outside the Kingdom. And although for the castle and the court he was fluffy and lovely like a black-and-white pom-pom on four legs, truly he has the wild side along with his master the Queen. He’s out again in nature and the mud to get dirty, but he might as well show off his new do to the other big dogs, chasing them vigorously before happily catching up with the Queen out of love, his territory claim marked as yellow snow among the big dogs.


My dog, Sergeant Pepe, is the trickster. I manifested him. The black-and-white duality dog is he. Years ago I had envisioned a set of children’s stories with characters that imparted yogic wisdom. The dog character would be the trickster, based on the black-and-white Zuni clown. So Pepe showed up at the humane society one day when I was looking for a dog. This half Papillon, half border collie cutie. We called him a “half-ion,” or a “scrap-ion.” I never made the children's book characters, but I have Pepe now, and he gets me out to walk.

We walked this time up near Devil’s Thumb. From the South Mesa Trail in Eldorado Springs the rock formation looks less like a thumb but rather a penis shape, which was obvious on all the school hikes up there, but left unspoken. Pepe is pretty well trained, however, sometimes he just won’t come. Reasons are usually when he sniffs something intense in the woods, which means it probably was bear, coyote or mountain lion. Another reason not to come when called is to eat certain types of poop (Yuck!) or chase after prairie dogs (Panic! Is there a ranger watching?) At other times he is just the trickster and times unpredictable. That’s the trickster’s role; to let you know that just when you think you’ve got everything in life under control, he comes along and pulls the rug out from under you. Such is life in duality.

So when I walk, it’s a matter of training and suspense. Pepe’s gotten good with his off leash skills in the open space. So when a dog approaches, I’m no longer chasing after Pepe who is in pursuit of the dog and its owner for a quarter of a mile back down the trail. And I don’t have to constantly carry treats. He just naturally has his fun with the big dogs, being like the rabbit at a racetrack for the dogs to chase around and show off this hilarious Papillon spin to him.

Whenever I see a dog ahead on the trail, however, I still get this feeling of, ”Oh, no. How is Pepe going to behave? Is it going to be chaos? Or calm?” For the other day he decided he didn’t want to get back on his leash and I had to chase him across several people’s yards in the snow for ten minutes before I tackled him.

I figure life is like that. I can be content in the moment, but every time I see something coming ahead, I don’t have to feel anxious. I’m just in a calm state of quiet alertness, ready to act, but available in the moment to seek options and alternatives to the problem. It’s a trust in the moment that the answer will arise and the problem solve itself. I've learned that the tiger is content because he knows he has everything he needs in the present moment. I’ve been at it so long, now I really realize the secret is not reacting to anything in the first place, which leads to suffering. When you’ve suffered enough, you are like the rat from college psychology class movies that has endured zillions of shocks for the cocaine and finally realizes this hurts and it’s not worth it! Such is evolution. I now feel am calm and confident that I will figure out what to do with the sight of each dog coming down the trail. Sometimes it is luring Pepe with a treat, or chasing him for half an hour, and most of the time he just behaves because he loves me and wants to please me so returns to me and continues walking.

I had my father over for lunch the other day. I made a fresh avocado and lime soup. We sat at my house and talked. We talked about the coming economic collapse, and he assured me not to worry because we are all going into the fifth dimension and the UFOs are going to make disclosure soon. He forwards me newsletters via email about alien disclosure, and how the disclosure date was moved because Obama still won’t reveal the truth and how disappointed everybody is. Waiting for the savior! That myth keeps popping up every millennium or so. I figure, why not UFOs? They've been in our psyche for a long time now. I think Star Trek might as well be true, I mean the I-Pad is out! Jung said that the imagination is real. It exists in energy, and in the Yoga Vasistha there are myths that echo the idea that things are created because somebody thought of it. Like in the novel Sophie’s World by Jostein Gaardner. Or like Shopenhauer, who said that the universe is being dreamed by a single dreamer in which all the dream characters dream too. And then there's the Aboriginal dreamtime. Might as well make my own dream time and believe in it!

Also, we had a rare event of my kids and my younger sister and I taking my father to see the movie Avatar. I saw it for the second time, as did my son. I can’t remember ever seeing a movie with my father. I feel the movie acts on a subconscious level, drawing us toward the psyche’s need for balance. Jung said that Americans are incredibly one-sided, completely ungrounded and weren’t ready for yoga because they were not in their body. This movie pretty much sums it up, how cut off we are from nature and the feminine functions of the psyche and our body. So nature corrects itself. Mother is pissed. Durga! The machine is stopping.

Avatar is a powerful myth for our time. Man as the machine, heartless, murderous, plundering and pillaging for profit. As if we finally need to confront our past that we have been in denial of for so long. The history of Western colonialism -- murdering natives, enslaving them for capital gain and keeping us triumphant over nature by denying mother and death and to acknowledge (root meaning of the word confession) those nefarious deeds. A Reuters article recently reported a study that proved that luxury actually makes one more selfish. But if we are selfish and separate, then we are alone. So terribly alone. That terrible fear, like a story from the Upanishads. Even the divine, once aware of itself, was afraid of being alone. So it divided itself into all the creatures of the world. So that it could play and love and not be alone, yet it is also still one. That’s the beautiful paradox. We embrace the paradox. The dark stuff isn’t so scary any more. It’s just playing its part in duality. Like Bush ushering in the destruction of America. Somebody had to play that part. Maybe the devil really is the most beloved angel of God, like the Muslims believe. Or like the dogs on the trail. They just keep coming. No need to fear them, just accept them coming down the trail, and be prepared to draw upon your training and experience. Epicurus said that tempestuous storms make skillful pilots.

Avatar inspired me into the heroic life. What is it to really give yourself over to something? In The Ernest Becker’s Pulitzer Prize winning book, The Denial of Death, he says that the biggest problem young people face today is that they have no call to the heroic life. Death is denied in our culture, however, it is facing death that creates heroism. I remember I heard that when I worked as a stringer for the Bakersfield Californian. I had the northern Kern County beat. I regularly covered Delano, where the Cesar Chavez grape strike started. I also volunteered to do religion reporting and stumbled on a story of these three sisters. They owned a bar and restaurant on Delano’s skid row, but they had an experience with the Pentecostal movement and realized they were contributing to people’s sin and suffering. So they stopped serving alcohol and put on these parking lot revivals on Friday and Saturday night. I remember the sounds of the distorted voices through the bullhorns cutting into the darkness. I remember the Hispanic women and migrant workers standing and waving their hands near the stage, giving themselves up to something. The man I interview told me, “If you haven’t found a reason to die, you haven’t yet found a reason to live. That was Christ’s message.”

Living the heroic life. Find a good reason to die, what else is there? Haven’t we finally learned to believe in our eternal nature? What is there to lose? Just our egos. Physics tells us energy can neither be created nor destroyed. We are identical with the powers of the universe. The Mayan believed that the world tree was actually the Milky Way. This tree that connects us to the cosmos. This tree that is us. I think of my nervous system like the branches on a tree - reaching into the ethers and sensing the divine energy flow, conducted through the tinier branches. They say that on December 21, 2012 is when the center of the galaxy is lined up with the earth. Maybe we don’t space travel linearly but by consciousness itself, manifesting bodies at will, manifesting what we need across the dimensions of time and space. And we are at one again with the universe and are in accord with nature, not against it and alienated from it and only consuming in it, but participating in it. We are participating in the myth, and that makes all the difference because we give ourselves to it whole-heartedly. And besides, it's a hell of a lot of fun that way.

The Queen thinks, what does she want to do? What is this life about? She decides that it is to really follow her bliss, put on some clothing in disguise, leave the Kingdom and the castle and set out to explore the big-wide world. And do something wonderful because it makes her heart feel so good. Sergeant Pepe agrees.

The Optimist Queen and her Transvere Abdominus

The Queen hiked up the mountain today, but alone, for Sergeant Pepe was getting groomed for the ball and to go as Prince Pepe instead. She hiked up, footing skillfully the ice and snow. She remembered her mountain goat self, her steady, rocky ascent uphill. And she remembered her reptilian tail, her fishy, watery instincts in her hips on down. She felt the bird bones and she was quite comfortable there as they propelled her on.

She wore her crown, with the big sparkly blue jewel in it, and she sang her song the Shaman gave her and the feeling that was in her body swept over her. It was a lovely feeling. When she reached the top, she did her usual proclamation to the big, blue mountain, and she said, thinking there should be something to affirm or overcome or wrestle or struggle with and instead she said, “I am at peace.” There was just the moment, and the moment was perfect. Even though the King was still at the bottom of the earth, she knows and feels the shift. He turned the corner, he is headed north again. Her heart is so relaxed and full at that moment it touched eternity looking at the mountain. The Queen’s court called just then. The King’s heart was at her Castle Door! “I’ll be right there!” And the Queen hiked back down the mountain, mindfully but very excited and with a quicker skip to her step.


The past few days have been nothing short of remarkable. It’s amazing how the more you surrender and the more you love the more things fall into place. I think it's because the mind is in harmony with the body and the body is in harmony with the environment, and that's when the boons come. That's what purpose myth serves. Then synchronicities show up. Because you live the mythic life. Things have their own meaning, their own story. You start with today and now and shape it the way you want with the ritual of images and words and intention. No wonder witches were burned at the stake. They were powerful!

I spoke at the Boulder Optimist Club today. It was good for me to go, even though I had a little bit of an upset stomach for some reason and felt a little sluggish in the morning and less than optimistic. I was invited by the 80-year-old widower, Carl, across the street. I had gotten him and my Dad together for lunch at my house to talk war stories no long ago. I like hanging out with old people. They have such great stories and history. So when he asked me I said yes, even though I don’t get paid.

I had a dream a few nights ago exactly standing and talking to the group exactly as I did today. In the dream I was giving a presentation, but said I didn’t have anything prepared. The dream was initially anxiety over the upcoming speech. I needed to think about it and pull it together. Finally I decided to just tell them about the dream! And not TELL them about yoga and story, but just ALLOW them to EXPERIENCE it. So I told them the Buddhist story of the Spirit Who Lived in a Tree, although I didn’t tell them it was Buddhist, and we talked about what images they saw. The Tree. The movie Avatar’s Tree is so powerful too. As if this basic life force and mythic image is erupting full speed ahead! The mother! Most people were senior, and one man was in a wheel chair from a stroke. I taught them how to breathe deeply and rhythmically and watch their thoughts. Then we just stood there in mountain pose, getting into our bodies. Just standing there in our bodies and noticing them and feeling them. I got the feeling that this was the first time for most of them they ever paid so much attention to the sensations of their body. Then they did tree pose, very simple, using the chair if required. I sat them down and then had them close their eyes for meditation and relaxation and told them the Christian story of Jesus on the water, although I didn’t’ tell them it was Jesus, just a master in a boat on the water with his 12 students.

It was nice to just be with people. Hear their stories. Old people like to tell stories. It’s nice to have somebody to listen to them too! Especially those old war stories. He made a point to tell my Dad's concentration camp story as an introduction. A woman bought my DVD. I thought, this was nice. I taught people to breathe, to notice the present moment. It was quite a joyous experience. It goes beyond any measurement our culture can come up with. For it’s measured in the depths of being, of the heart, and that’s where the alchemical story is taking place. As things transform, awaken, emerge. Truly a renaissance is happening to me, and to my heart and the person I love. And as much chaos erupts in the world, the reconsiliation of paradox takes place and there is just that much love, awe and wonder taking place. It’s all taking place in the heart and it’s fascinating. The joyous and loving feeling I had at the ceremony takes over, it lightens the heart, opens the throat. My bird sings, it’s joyous and flowering and so very, very new. Like the birth dream I had not long ago. The baby was coming out fast.

I’ve been having wonderful synchronicities with the King. As he has voyaged to South America and to Antarctica, to the bottom of the earth, to the fierce storms and winds and water, whales and iceburgs. While he was having his epiphany and turning point, I was having mine that same day. Yesterday, I knew it because our symbol, twin birds, showed up.

For in that day’s Shambhala meditation class, Contentment in Everyday Life, this woman I was paired with wore these gorgeous, Mexican twin bird earrings! I shared that last class was profound, as I felt the effects of meditation assisting in my mythic and heroic journey of getting over myself and the mire of struggle and relishing the freedom revealed.

It reafirms the natural goodness, the gentleness and openness of the human nature, not that there is some mistake, something must be fixed. That's how I felt my whole life. No longer. There are tools to assist us in life’s trials, but they are nothing to be of conttradition to each other to the joys of life, but to live in the paradox, and balance those out. Lessen the tension between the two opposites. Undo the complexes and patterning we are born into and are in this organism infused with energy and life force. How we undo the patterns and complexes to purely and simply bask in eternity.

We had been working with emotions last week. Seeing how they arise and working with them in meditation. I shared how this week I didn’t flip out and get my body worked up into a hot, angry fit filled with victimhood, self-righteousness and the need for justice when all in this just one week Speer tenant’s going to skip paying rent and use their deposit instead without my permission issues, repressed landlady who won’t let you paint your daughter’s bedroom something other than stark white issues, slimy ex-husband who isn’t paying you back the judgment you received because he allowed your house to go into foreclosure and not pay you $30k issues and other emotional issues reared their head.

The woman I was paired with wore lovely artsy clothes of red, and the twin bird earings. She’s a painter and a teacher. We had to share the feelings of trust and confidence we had in the past and now and how we may have had mistrusted or feelings of deceiving someone.
I told how the world wasn’t safe for me, didn’t trust many people, didn’t have much intimacy with people because of an isolated childhood with a violent schizophrenic mother and a concentration camp father. The present moment wasn’t safe. But to have the trust, love and confidence in myself that I have gained from showing up in the present and not identifying with my mind allowed a stability and a grounding to take place that my trust and confidence was found experientially through my body and awareness. And I found that the more you surrender, the more you align. And it’s very hard to do, that surrendering, but surely somehow it seems that the universe all along was doing all that icky devil stuff to you just to get you to give up on your ego ideas and point you to the light. And that ever since my ayayuasca ceremony it gave me the shift and incredible vision that I can never forget. The past is past and all that story gone. All I have left of it is a work of art in honor of all the love I have for it and the people in my life of past, present and future. Her story was interesting because she had the opposite, provided everything from her parents and had everything done for her so it created a terrible insecurity about herself, but that she is at peace with her artist self that even if she never sells a painting at a show that's not what it's about. it's about he making art. I really connected on that. We artists just need to create art. We do it for art's sake and because we have to! Hence my showing up at the Optimist Club or creating anything at all! And there is no clinging to an old story, no digging in the past anymore, but rather a starting from where you are.

The rest of the class was an Oniki traditional monk eating lunch. We brought each three bowls, each smaller than the other. We ate in meditative silence, and two women served simple food from bowls, tempeh, sesamea seeds to sprinkle on, mixed vegetables of asparagus, carrot and squash, brown rice. The second third pass was for condiments of tamari, salt or pepper and the sesame seeds. The third pass was for tea in the third cup. I had put food in it not knowing! And had to clean it out of the soy sauce!

We ate in silence, enjoying each texture, the sound of your neighbor crunching, of the different tastes and sensations. It was magical, so present and glowing reality.

Then a woman gave a demonstration on Japanese Ikibani, flower arranging. The two main stems, heaven and man, then the flower, earth. The stillness and arrangmenet meant to stop you in your tracks and point you toward eternity. It’s a doorway, a symbol that juts you beyond time and space and wakes you up to the now. Somehow I find lately everything is doing that - mountains, trees, chairs, flowers and art. Children's faces and even war and terror.

Later I drove to have lunch at Chipotle and conversed with the women in Spanish for my lunch. I stopped off at Guiry’s for art supplies before heading to my body work session.

I was blown away by this session and the depth of knowledge this guy, Jeff, knew. I had met him the weekend after my ayahuasca ceremony. Feeling self love gushing, I went to get a hair cut. I was early to the salon so I ducked in next door for a 10-minute massage for the pain in my neck I had from doing all the hot yoga classes and stretching the muscles so deeply only for me to stop taking the classes due to getting busy with kids and life again and for the muscles to cramp up severely and cause agony in the spot in my choulder from my car accident was 17 years ago and was nagging me all through the movie Avatar. So I had decided to do something about it and that's how I met Jeff.

I learned about my transverse abdominus muscle and how pregnancy separated it and was causing the destabilization in my pelvis and my organs and issue in my ascending colon because of undigested food! The work he did was hard to pin down, he had such an interesting style but I was so impressed with his deep knowledge of anatomy, the nervous system and how the body functions. I did decompression breathing, deep breathing all the way to the nerves in my head and slow exhalations, five per minute. He held the area of my udyaya banda and wehre the abdominal muscles separated and it was an incredible feeling. Like a psychic hole that was leaking out energy had been closed. And as he said, “You will be like before you were a mother.” Like a virgin again! So there is something to that process! It is an energetic feeling at the uterine, abdominal level. I also felt in one position as I looked down my body from the position on the table as if I were back in the hospital giving birth at one point. So powerful is the body’s memory. It was very real and huge. I felt so calm and peaceful and aligned after leaving there. And I naturally Googled everything on the muscle and what to do about it and look forward to more sessions because it’s so healing! I swear, all my health problems related to that issue! And I had no idea! And my son will be 12 this month!!!

And the Bohemian Bombshell never has felt more comfortable in her body, even thought she is plump, by Goddess she is full, FULL! Full I say! Full of life and it courses through her body, her breasts, belly, thighs, hips and arms. It just radiates life and all the good food of the earth moving through her in grace.

The Queen returned to her castle and found the King’s heart there. She knew that it was only a matter of time before the King’s body, mind and soul caught up and were here completely at the castle. And she’s so exited about that. But the Queen is at Peace. She’s at peace with everything right now. And she’s ticking down the days until the King finally arrives.

The Big, Blue Sparkly Jewel

The Queen of Bohemia went up the mountain again with Sergeant Pepe to the village science complex where there was also an art gallery. It was a pleasant walk up. There was no rush, no pressure, no where to get but there when she got there. Her heart rested, as if a hand that squeezed it had finally released it from its strangling grip. Each step is slower than usual; she pays attention to it and yet also notices the spruce trees, low-growing rosehips and wild strawberries in their winter modes. The Queen now hikes further than before, or at least in a very long while. She’s a little bit tired of doing other forms of Queenly exercise, so just hiking uphill gives quite a clearing to her head. There is a peace, a quiet that is in rhythm with the step, in rhythm with the moment and the depth that is there and where she meets all of creation. Where everything sinks down and melts into one.

The Queen was delighted in all the art and felt positive that among these dark ages brought about by the Dark King Bush, there will be a renaissance of science, art and learning once again! She took up making quite a bit of art herself, as the King sent some amazing materials to play with and she passes the day until she can see him again working away. And she feels like life is just beginning.

With the King in my life things have changed for the better. My loneliness and struggle have subsided. My heart can rest. I sleep better and dream profoundly every night. I trust the universe, and I trust that the last seven years are up. The intense difficult times are up, or at least a phase of them. And I honestly believe that because of my shift in this thinking, and from the ceremony experience and vision that I received, that good things are now ahead and not disaster. That let’s my heart go. All the post-traumatic stress melts away. The present moment is a safe place to reside. There’s no explosions, terror or upset to pull you out of the moment again, fray the nervous system. There's just this amazing moment and contentment. Regular sitting meditation does wonders to reprogram your nervous system and make deep grooves that are alert, aware, pleasant, and rooted in regular daily rhythm. Time does change things. Regular ritual, that repetio materi descendi, repeatedly descending into matter. You really do create your own universe just by showing up to it. And it’s amazing how the universe just irons itself out and works out well once you get all those self-imposed obstacles out of the way.

My older sister, Narada, came over last Saturday. It was completely unexpected. Her daughter, Radhika, called and said she had some rehearsal in Boulder so she’d drop her mother by. I was hiking with Sergeant Pepe at the time and quickly called my father. Since everything was so last minute – that’s how Narada had announced she was moving to India – I had the excuse that I’d have no special Krishna food prepared! What a relief! Naturally once at home I pulled out what I had, inspecting the gourmet cheeses for evidence of Rennet, pulling out the organic blueberries and mochi.

It was wonderful to see my big sister. It had been so many years. She left when I was in the eighth grade. She was six and a half years older than me; she really was the one who mothered me. Yoga, religious, gardening and vegetarian cooking passions were passed to us early when we were young through our father. That’s what we did together growing up. And only so often would Mom interrupt us with her insanity and her blows. Nancy was her name when we were young, and she took the brunt of Mom’s blows. Small wonder she ended up a Krishna. Years later I confronted the grief of losing her. For the years following her departure were marked by growing up alone. My younger sister would be removed by social services from our home, my brother would join the Navy, and I faced high school alone with my mother ranting about my siblings. I became a bulimic, raising myself alone and becoming the family cook, prepared by Nancy’s vegetarianism and by a 6-month stint as a 16-year-old working as a cashier at the 28th Street McDonald’s.

But now Nancy’s back! As Narada, and it was just her. Not her husband, Sri Raga, whom my mother always called Sri Rag Mop. Quite frankly I don’t like him either and was actually glad he was not there. Narada seemed relaxed and free. We talked about the food issue and she said it was Sri Raga, too strict, and I nodded my head in fierce agreement and vindication, at last! She told stories of India, roaming peacocks at Mayapur, the Bengali people. How I loved arm-chair traveling that moment and would love to make a trip to India one day!

I made her raspberry tea with agave syrup. She wanted honey and I felt guilty I didn’t have honey, for it was crystallized. It made me realize how often I feel I have to feel guilty about some mistake, some issue about me or anything. I think my kids know this and manipulate me about it. I’m always trying to cover up for some perceived error, some mistake. Chogyam Trungpa talks about this in his works. I still go to my Tuesday morning meditation class, Contentment in Everyday living, and I do believe I feel more content, in the moment, accepting of all things. It’s just that the difficult parts have evened out finally. It’s more balanced.

But Trungpa says how Western Judeo-Christian mythology expounds original sin, something wrong with us. And Buddhism emphasizes natural goodness, openness and experience. The west has this feeling of guilt, and children are taught from what’s wrong with their work, using guilt to improve. Rather than what’s right.

I still wrestle with that for me and my daughter. I struggle to perform for the machine of public education and do the worksheet homework at night with my daughter teaching Colonial American geography and map skills. It’s frustrating because she doesn’t know basic things, even though she’s in the 4th grade. But I can’t show it, because it mangles her self-esteem the way it did mine when I was her age in school and didn’t understand what was going on. What's wrong with her? What's wrong with me? What crap. i just want to be happy and good!

My son has moved downstairs and is happy there. I have to be firm though, because his teachers say he’s not turning in English and math work and has an attitude about it. Gilbert took him boxing once, and I’m trying to get him to go to gun club with him. When Narada was over he had fun looking through an airplane and war book with Opa. Guys need guys!

That night my daughter snuggled with me in bed. It’s so fun to have a 9-year-old daughter. We had fun playing a spelling game in which you make up a word based on the last letter of the word just said. Elephant, tomato, octopus, Sergeant Pepe. We laughed in the darkness and we said, “I love you,” to each other. Then she said, “I remember when I was little and you’d say, “’I love you,”’ to me and then I’d say, “’I love you,”’ to you, and then I’d feel all happy inside and see this big, blue sparkly jewel.”

That was everything for me. That moment. It was a Big, Blue, Sparkly Jewel. All of life is one. The simple joys of life. It’s everything. It’s so simple and so clear and wonderful.

Before Narada had left and when Radhika came to pick her up, I heaped lots of presents left over from Christmas that I didn’t get to give them and other stuff. Clothes, books and games the kids had outgrown; we rummaged through my closet and I just pulled lots of stuff I’ve had for years and didn't use. Funky beautiful clothes that I've performed in but rarely wear. There were clothes that I didn’t fit in anymore just hanging in the back of the closet. They needed to be cleaned out. The Bohemian Bombshell is never going to be a size 4 dress again and doesn’t even want to try, so out of the closet it went into Radhika’s arms. I gave Narada some wool coats and scarves for her adjustment to Rocky Mountain winter from Bengai India, and some blueberries I had. The house and my heart and psyche felt 100 pounds lighter.

She wrote me an email thanking me.
Sydney, Thanks for the photos and thanks again for the earrings, blueberries and so on. I plan to wear the earrings on Gaura Purnima and other special days. I used the blueberries in some muffins this morning and offered them to Krishna. The family loved them! I have extra batter and will bake more so that Kamesvari can take some muffins to school in her lunch bag.

I thought about you this morning. It is true you are also a devotee of Krsna...in your own way. I am really happy thinking about that.

Love from,
Narada (priya)


Life is a miracle, an offering, a grace. When you get to the source of the background of anxiety that plagues you like a sick ghost you wear around your body, you can be free. That it’s just the mind and the habit of the mind, but when you meditate you create a new habit of a place to hang out in. To identify there and exist there, untouched, unstruck. The heart rests, the intelligence of the Buddhi mind, rather than the Manas mind, radiates through. And there’s no rush, no hurry. Truly you have arrived. You have arrived in the present moment, and all of eternity is there too.

The Queen of Bohemia now wears the Big, Blue Sparky Jewel. right in the middle of her crown.