The Big, Blue Sparkly Jewel

The Queen of Bohemia went up the mountain again with Sergeant Pepe to the village science complex where there was also an art gallery. It was a pleasant walk up. There was no rush, no pressure, no where to get but there when she got there. Her heart rested, as if a hand that squeezed it had finally released it from its strangling grip. Each step is slower than usual; she pays attention to it and yet also notices the spruce trees, low-growing rosehips and wild strawberries in their winter modes. The Queen now hikes further than before, or at least in a very long while. She’s a little bit tired of doing other forms of Queenly exercise, so just hiking uphill gives quite a clearing to her head. There is a peace, a quiet that is in rhythm with the step, in rhythm with the moment and the depth that is there and where she meets all of creation. Where everything sinks down and melts into one.

The Queen was delighted in all the art and felt positive that among these dark ages brought about by the Dark King Bush, there will be a renaissance of science, art and learning once again! She took up making quite a bit of art herself, as the King sent some amazing materials to play with and she passes the day until she can see him again working away. And she feels like life is just beginning.

With the King in my life things have changed for the better. My loneliness and struggle have subsided. My heart can rest. I sleep better and dream profoundly every night. I trust the universe, and I trust that the last seven years are up. The intense difficult times are up, or at least a phase of them. And I honestly believe that because of my shift in this thinking, and from the ceremony experience and vision that I received, that good things are now ahead and not disaster. That let’s my heart go. All the post-traumatic stress melts away. The present moment is a safe place to reside. There’s no explosions, terror or upset to pull you out of the moment again, fray the nervous system. There's just this amazing moment and contentment. Regular sitting meditation does wonders to reprogram your nervous system and make deep grooves that are alert, aware, pleasant, and rooted in regular daily rhythm. Time does change things. Regular ritual, that repetio materi descendi, repeatedly descending into matter. You really do create your own universe just by showing up to it. And it’s amazing how the universe just irons itself out and works out well once you get all those self-imposed obstacles out of the way.

My older sister, Narada, came over last Saturday. It was completely unexpected. Her daughter, Radhika, called and said she had some rehearsal in Boulder so she’d drop her mother by. I was hiking with Sergeant Pepe at the time and quickly called my father. Since everything was so last minute – that’s how Narada had announced she was moving to India – I had the excuse that I’d have no special Krishna food prepared! What a relief! Naturally once at home I pulled out what I had, inspecting the gourmet cheeses for evidence of Rennet, pulling out the organic blueberries and mochi.

It was wonderful to see my big sister. It had been so many years. She left when I was in the eighth grade. She was six and a half years older than me; she really was the one who mothered me. Yoga, religious, gardening and vegetarian cooking passions were passed to us early when we were young through our father. That’s what we did together growing up. And only so often would Mom interrupt us with her insanity and her blows. Nancy was her name when we were young, and she took the brunt of Mom’s blows. Small wonder she ended up a Krishna. Years later I confronted the grief of losing her. For the years following her departure were marked by growing up alone. My younger sister would be removed by social services from our home, my brother would join the Navy, and I faced high school alone with my mother ranting about my siblings. I became a bulimic, raising myself alone and becoming the family cook, prepared by Nancy’s vegetarianism and by a 6-month stint as a 16-year-old working as a cashier at the 28th Street McDonald’s.

But now Nancy’s back! As Narada, and it was just her. Not her husband, Sri Raga, whom my mother always called Sri Rag Mop. Quite frankly I don’t like him either and was actually glad he was not there. Narada seemed relaxed and free. We talked about the food issue and she said it was Sri Raga, too strict, and I nodded my head in fierce agreement and vindication, at last! She told stories of India, roaming peacocks at Mayapur, the Bengali people. How I loved arm-chair traveling that moment and would love to make a trip to India one day!

I made her raspberry tea with agave syrup. She wanted honey and I felt guilty I didn’t have honey, for it was crystallized. It made me realize how often I feel I have to feel guilty about some mistake, some issue about me or anything. I think my kids know this and manipulate me about it. I’m always trying to cover up for some perceived error, some mistake. Chogyam Trungpa talks about this in his works. I still go to my Tuesday morning meditation class, Contentment in Everyday living, and I do believe I feel more content, in the moment, accepting of all things. It’s just that the difficult parts have evened out finally. It’s more balanced.

But Trungpa says how Western Judeo-Christian mythology expounds original sin, something wrong with us. And Buddhism emphasizes natural goodness, openness and experience. The west has this feeling of guilt, and children are taught from what’s wrong with their work, using guilt to improve. Rather than what’s right.

I still wrestle with that for me and my daughter. I struggle to perform for the machine of public education and do the worksheet homework at night with my daughter teaching Colonial American geography and map skills. It’s frustrating because she doesn’t know basic things, even though she’s in the 4th grade. But I can’t show it, because it mangles her self-esteem the way it did mine when I was her age in school and didn’t understand what was going on. What's wrong with her? What's wrong with me? What crap. i just want to be happy and good!

My son has moved downstairs and is happy there. I have to be firm though, because his teachers say he’s not turning in English and math work and has an attitude about it. Gilbert took him boxing once, and I’m trying to get him to go to gun club with him. When Narada was over he had fun looking through an airplane and war book with Opa. Guys need guys!

That night my daughter snuggled with me in bed. It’s so fun to have a 9-year-old daughter. We had fun playing a spelling game in which you make up a word based on the last letter of the word just said. Elephant, tomato, octopus, Sergeant Pepe. We laughed in the darkness and we said, “I love you,” to each other. Then she said, “I remember when I was little and you’d say, “’I love you,”’ to me and then I’d say, “’I love you,”’ to you, and then I’d feel all happy inside and see this big, blue sparkly jewel.”

That was everything for me. That moment. It was a Big, Blue, Sparkly Jewel. All of life is one. The simple joys of life. It’s everything. It’s so simple and so clear and wonderful.

Before Narada had left and when Radhika came to pick her up, I heaped lots of presents left over from Christmas that I didn’t get to give them and other stuff. Clothes, books and games the kids had outgrown; we rummaged through my closet and I just pulled lots of stuff I’ve had for years and didn't use. Funky beautiful clothes that I've performed in but rarely wear. There were clothes that I didn’t fit in anymore just hanging in the back of the closet. They needed to be cleaned out. The Bohemian Bombshell is never going to be a size 4 dress again and doesn’t even want to try, so out of the closet it went into Radhika’s arms. I gave Narada some wool coats and scarves for her adjustment to Rocky Mountain winter from Bengai India, and some blueberries I had. The house and my heart and psyche felt 100 pounds lighter.

She wrote me an email thanking me.
Sydney, Thanks for the photos and thanks again for the earrings, blueberries and so on. I plan to wear the earrings on Gaura Purnima and other special days. I used the blueberries in some muffins this morning and offered them to Krishna. The family loved them! I have extra batter and will bake more so that Kamesvari can take some muffins to school in her lunch bag.

I thought about you this morning. It is true you are also a devotee of Krsna...in your own way. I am really happy thinking about that.

Love from,
Narada (priya)


Life is a miracle, an offering, a grace. When you get to the source of the background of anxiety that plagues you like a sick ghost you wear around your body, you can be free. That it’s just the mind and the habit of the mind, but when you meditate you create a new habit of a place to hang out in. To identify there and exist there, untouched, unstruck. The heart rests, the intelligence of the Buddhi mind, rather than the Manas mind, radiates through. And there’s no rush, no hurry. Truly you have arrived. You have arrived in the present moment, and all of eternity is there too.

The Queen of Bohemia now wears the Big, Blue Sparky Jewel. right in the middle of her crown.